bored at home.

Confined at home for almost about a week makes me sick. It gives me headaches, and I feel like I don't want to do anything though I have tonnes that I could. Sleep the pain away? Just makes it worse. Amazing how boredom can just take you completely off your pathway. I guess I have to be more open minded.

Asked to prom

Don't get me wrong, I like you. I know the times you've been telling my friends and my sister, you like me, and shoving it off. I know, but I pretended, and it's not your fault. It's mine, it could be me for all you know, and I shouldn't have it I would have known but it would be nice.

Don't get me wrong, but it's too early to ask me right there in the internet. I feel a bit odd, but greatful neither the less, and I appreciate you asking me. This is i'm not looking to prom and I would rest to that idea. I am already have beaten that time, half feeling like I want to get the day over and done with. It wasn't right. But I said I would be thinking.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to do this, I didn't want to ignore the matchmaker while I was fully online, I didn't mean to. I just didn't want him to influence my decision, like the time he nudged me on this other guy the same time last year. I didn't want to, because I know the tricks he would pull up his sleeves, and you don't need that if you want it to be true.

Don't get me wrong, but I knew I had to do it last night before it's going a bit too late. I remember my words clearly when I told you "I won't take long"and I did and I could not let it pass anytime longer. So I grabbed my friend's help and experience and words and put them together in a message. You were awake at night, and I told you straight. And boy, did I feel so heavy that time. I didn't want to break you, but I did. Like jumping into a big whirlpool I did. And I didn't like it at all..

Dont'get me wrong, it's myself really. It's not you

Boys listen

You didn't have to do that, though I did sortof expected you to.
I stand on my two feet when I tell other boys, I am not ready.
Because I am not ready.

I don't have a pretty face,
I might have ugly fits of giggles,
I'm insecure.

I hunger for experience.
But Ï may have flinched once or twice.
Giving off my independence,
And surrendering to this drug people call love.

I repel from the very word,
Though I do think of if once or twice in real life.
And continue to dream for people who I can't simply reach.
True story.

So don't cry in sorrow,
In emptiness, in vain.
It will all shed to past.
You will come to the light again,
And fly your freedom.

One day, you'll meet the other
You longed your hand in his
And he'll take it with respect
With an endless love that will take you far
And you will celebrate you two to one.

disaster

Someone asked me to the prom about two days ago. It was online, while I was chatting aimlessly to anyone online - a few hours after my exams had ended. I had said that I would give a think about it, just give me a few days.

This is the first time I've ever been asked to prom to. Maybe the last, I don't know. But all I know is that I wasn't really looking forward to the prom so much in the first place, and only decided to go for my friends - some people who are moving. I wouldn't mind, although there is a tweek bit of me that resent this, to skive the whole dancing part of the social event. Especially slow-dancing. I even agreed this with my friend beforehand.

Due to my experience last year, I didn't really like the dance floor nor the dancing. Last year was my first ever prom night. There was a lot of sweating and heating, the dance floor is really tight, and a lot of hard techno music with lights flicking and beaming in every direction. The whole experience gave me a headache and my blisters on my ankle.

Slow dancing? I was a bit insecure. I didn't like it too much when a guy draws his breath on your neck and gets too touchy. Or maybe just touchy in fact. I'm more of a "I'll have to get to know you in depth before you touch me that way" kind of person. Well, there's one bit of that just haunts me literally. I would say to myself, until the person is right will I wait till that kind of stuff is appropriate.

Drawing back to the present, I am at loss whether I should say yes or no. Whether I should reject this guy or accept him. Whether I should make his day, or pride my independence. This person is after all, moving, and I've known he's been showing signs since last year. He told some of my friends he does fancy me, a few weeks before the exams started. But should I? I did say I would give it a thought.

It's literally bugging me. Just tonight, I ignored everyone and I received a lot of nudges for it. I didn't want to make up my mind now, not yet. I'm just scared that I'd be that bad mean person that I don't want to be. I don't want to let anyone down at all. I don't want to ruin anyone's best nights or last few days here. But I don't want to make it bad for me either.

Sometimes I think I needed a life, or some hormones.
But I'm happy the way I am.

If I am asked by one of my favourite Beatles, would definitely... but in my dreams you know.

In my love life, I am an independent person. I may have a breakdown from time to time, but I'll be back on my feet and brush the feeling off my shoulder in no time. Loneliness and individuality are the two elements that a youngster should pride, but not many realise that. When I question my feelings, I could hear nothing. No racing, no pumping - I can live this way in a long time. I am not vulnerable.

But in every independent person, there's always a story behind it.

Mine happened even when I was small. A tint of desire to be out there own my own, roaming the streets with my head held up high on my two feet without my parents supporting me. It can often be quite scary. But it's a nice feeling. That's half of the story.

Tracing back to my past, it happened earlier than everyone else.
~~~~~

I am 10 years old. It's quite an environment actually, being in a new school. SKJB isn't it? I needed the exposure anyway. I wonder if my friends back in SK Agama would think about me. I wonder if they realise the real truth, the reason why I agreed to move anyway. I wanted to protect my cousin. But I didn't feel like it's time to spill it to anyone. Not in a few years at least.

Cikgu Irene shifted our seats. Meeting new people had always made me as nervous as ever. I am to be seated next to this boy. He has thick black hair, a bit chubby but clean. Great, being next to boys isn't my thing. I feel insecure, and I talk to girls better.

Eventually, we started talking. About transformers, about cartoons. I talk to him in monotone, but at least we are getting on well. Sometimes I felt my lips cracking, but I kept my eyes on him as he set them on me, grinning. He's a good friend. Then he told me, that he liked this girl in the next class, called Marianne or something.

Rumour flies around quite quickly. He likes me, He doesn't like me. It only made it awkward between us. I never liked him in that way, it's alright. But the further we are apart, the more I begin to accept and eventually, begin to like him in the way. But who am I to say that I know that feeling anyway?

It's been off for awhile. But one day, as we were walkign to our class, he told me that he's going to move to Kuala Lumpur. The Capital, awesome. But by this time, we didn't communicate much. So he just packed his back and went in the holidays. We never spoke a word. In the next school year, he's not in our class list.