Controlling my feelings for too long...

What is immaturity? What exactly does it mean being mature? These little standards, we have set to the most difficult perceptions recorded to your personal activity.

The only thing I'm worried about, is how I over analyse things - but don't think right about myself enough. I dissolve, while I give them way. They stand tall - heads up high, affirmed.

Getting pulled into a situation so fragile, is one of the last thing you need, but cannot avoid. Say I am among the three in the tightest of friendship, witnessed. There's friction acting against the two - and everyone has their own opinions. The problem was closed, but it opened itself up to the public. It so happened that one breaks down at the right time. Oh, why is it so naive of people to jump into conclusions, without considering things properly. Though people could not help it, judging people's personality by the profile of their past misbehaviour. All the negatives, comes in towards the opposition team ... whoever lends out a hand to keep in his side. The other gets spoilt with attentions, and the ability to go back and mend to living in the past. What else should I do? Help another friend, who has something to get life going and to unleash anything they felt like without getting threatened, or to someone who's life had just stopped - even with their greatest effort to fix with a tendency to get hurt at times they feel threatened?

I help any individual that feels and are lonely. Finding that their crossroads have gone missing, I'll guide you there. Even if it means just losing my sister's side.

I know the conciquences though briefly taught, I eventually got pulled in. Now I am hurt, the conciquences coming heavy on me - soon or later, thye are going to come for me. They're going to clamp me into their hands, their control, because they know I am vulnerable. Heck, I am only doing what's right. I'm trying to make things better. I've always been the third person, even before a dozen people rushed into to take sides. They gonna pummel me...

People say, Ignore them - feel better for yourself. No... I can't ignore feelings, though I do have the power to control. Things can go out of hand.

I'm losing you, sis. You're growing up, I know that. But I don't want you to grow up in the wrong way. The rebellious, self-based opinioned person that opposed to make blame. You're becoming one. And you're breaking away from me - from all of those childhood moments we had. I've always been the person to tail you from behind. You're way far behind. I don't see you.
I want you to realise and analyse what you've done. To Sammy, ...." to me.."

"You hurt me... You never thought how to minimise, our depression in response to our sensititivity. You want to externally influence other people to hurt us... me... more? What kind of sister are you now? Soem kind of icon you turned out to be."

...but I guess. People, just, aren't perfect. You cannot turn to the past. Think that, and you're just immature.

There, There.

Throughout the day, I managed to keep myself bouyant. Totally floating up in the air. Come to my art assessment, it's like facing reality. I am not myself, she said. I am dreaming. Where have I gone? Looking down, it's as if I expected a grand piano to come down on me, and accepted it. The tears stream off, without my control. I just don't know why.

She'd said we would talk outside about what's wrong. I kept silent for a long while.. and assumed it was my sister, an issue that happened a few days ago. It was a pretty bad state, but having to talk about it, my chest didn't feel too heavy, nor did I felt like it was carried off. It seemed like I've suffered being in the middle, but the more I think about it - the more I am convinced it's to do with me myself and I.

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm a perfectly healthy happy girl, who's got nothign to worry about at the moment. But I just can't find the puzzle. The fact I am losing it on my best subject - a subject I can totally be honest with if any, only means there is something missing. That drive, I once have in art, is not there anymore. There's no push. No inspiration. Not me...

Let Down

When you're growing up, you change, without you knowing it. It just seems like in every academic year, it's always different. You just want to adapt to it, and go along. But what you don't realise is that you lose little bits of you as you gain more new. You would think differently, or at least , you would look ways into thinking differently so that you could improve - just you exploring the world. When that happens, you confuse yourself. You can't think about the thoughts of your past, because you are not a book. You are the character, so how can you look into a thrid person without an effort?

Even the best of people, can become unstable and forget where they stand. My feet is on the ground, but I can't feel them.

Everything is surreal to me. Maybe it's how I was brought up. I couldn't really blame anyone, it's me. When I step into a new house, my mind pictures it as it was. Like learning a new word, it's a new photographic atmosphere everytime. Words, literature, are just not the doorway to my emotions for me. I couldn't describe the atmosphere through that - it's more than just printed on text. It's more than where your imagination could take you. That is why I don't 'feel' when people tell me what's extraordinary. I'm always struggling to find where and how they put their words, and what is extraordinary anyway?

Somehow I've always wanted to incorporate that visually. I forget sometimes. You forget things.

I move all the time.

When you're stuck in the middle, you just want to stand at bay, and watch the situation rest in the depths of the water, never to surface again. And that it could all be fine, before the tide heightens, before dark clouds hovering the sunshine, before the heavy fury of the winds feel slapping on your face.

But you can never stay at bay. It always does wash up on the shores, and you will have no choice but to be in the region of danger. Or atleast you think you have to be.

It's not for anyone to say on their behalf, not to even assume, who's right and who's wrong. It's a problem that arise from both the contributor and the reciever. When there's no sound of peace, there's always something that bugs one. And if someone has the bug, someone's bound to catch it. Me, I'm like the police investigating the case. I'm not so sure who's got the right picture here, but being the sister and the friend, and seeing this all happening, I want it to go back like how it used to. I am kidding myself, because nothing stays. You can't live in the past, because it's gone. You just move on.

And it's not to say who's the culprit either. So don't tell me who I should believe, when I am in the situation itself.