Feelings

Sometimes, well most of the time, I could not help but feeling. That I am iscolated, in a space on top of the tallest tower in existance. That I am alone, though company came and then flew past now and time again. But I am still alone, looking down to the globe in distant.

Eversince I knew the very word of friendship, I never trusted anyone, no matter how close they are. A habit that I carried till now, a truth that is kept successfully in secret from the knowledge of everyone. And i've been really trying, to find that one person who would accompany me, whom I would feel comfortable to confide into, whom I would nag on and on and they would just listen then give me a soft but broad shoulder for me to cry on. Whom I wouldn't worry he or she would fled off from me, and just stay. I haven't found that person yet, to tell you the truth. I'm not easy to convince, but yet I do want to find a solution for me to mend this ... absence.

Maybe it's just payback. It's punishment. I've done it so many times, who knows who I've emotionally hurt along the way. There's bound to be a hundred, and I know for sure there are a couple of tenths. I deserve it... I guess.

I am jealous, of this one friend I know. She came to school early and sombre. When the bell rang, she bursted into tears she could not hold in longer. Her friend came along, just arrived from school, dropped her bags at the spot and immediately gave her a shoulder, welcomed with open arms and soft-spoken voice, for her to drown her tears on to. I stood and stared for minutes, rudely. I only went the moment the person supporting her shooed me to give her some space and time. I walked to registration, jealous and sad. She was lucky to have a friend like that. And yet, the saddened friend had countlessly hurt her, she stood strong for her still. I'm green with envy, and downed with sadness.

In an art lesson, I am suggested into drawing myself. Self portraits, though how much I am against it. And I couldn't. Everytime I drew this girl, I thought, she was as sad, as ugly in form, as lonely and as cruel as she could be. I knew my mistakes though, but I couldn't stand to draw them.