Like analysing a black and white picture.

After scrolling down page after page, reading tentatively to each word stitching together to sentences, I felt as if my feet lifted the ground then sucked in to a realm where fantasies and dreams comes true. By the time I reached the end of the page, my heart was pounding. I uncomfortably settled myself in my seat as I considered the possibility of, while I fight my emotions with embarrassment.

My pride won over my emotions and I closed the word document.

At one frail moment, I sat very still realising what I had just done. That this might be what had kept me from giving in for all these years. What had held me from expressing myself freely, distorting and manipulating my emotions without my knowledge – why it just comes as natural. What caused it, might be from the failure of my first few relationships, maybe?

I shook my head to come back to my own senses. It is what had made me who I am today. My actions to stay as stern as a brick wall saves me in several occasions from further fatal destruction of my self-esteem which I tried hard to keep up.

I resume my internet surfing like nothing happened. The thought of the fiction was greatly appreciated, but it still makes it what it is – a 'fiction'. Merely something made up, that might not even come true. It's nice to think about it though, maybe I fancy having those moments as a dream in the upcoming nights.

It's amazing how I could easily ignore and take things to my own control.

In the distant fracture of my mind, I know that control does make me emotionally impaired compared to everybody. Shredding off hopes and worries for later are the best way to ignore your feelings, and finally, forget about them.

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This makes this. Looking at the way I write- like how I usually write – they are nothing but information. About how I felt, about what I thought. Never a given theme, never a given atmosphere, never include enough 'senses'. It's the present, the fact, and the still.

Just as I was analysing a black and white picture.